I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
