we have pet lesbian snakes
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
