Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I will pee on everything he values.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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