you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
