People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
