would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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