You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
