Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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