if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
