First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
