He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
