he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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