I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
