I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I need moral support for this bender
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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