Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It's rum buckets o'clock
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
