The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
