I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
