I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
