I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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