I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I am naked and annoyed.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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