At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
