I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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