Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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