dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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