theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
