Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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