Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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