we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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