I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
