peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
