When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
