Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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