2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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