tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
