if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
