She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
