I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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