Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
