my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Define "chronic" masturbator.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
