remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
