Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
