She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
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