I accidentally had phone sex last night
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
