whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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