True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
