You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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