I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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