I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
