how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
