Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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